I tried to avoid victimization while in prison camp. Every time I started feeling like a victim of the system or of some grand conspiracy theory, I would start asking myself questions as to why I was there. I would ask questions like, “So was I there because of money? Political reasons? Was I here because John Q. Public feels like I need to be punished because I was a greedy black man or subprime borrowers to advance of the system, fucked over then homes (which they feel they got honestly and legally)?”
I really starting I always felt that way, as you could probably tell, but I’m feeling like me being here is more to do with people getting and maintaining votes from voters who want to feel safe (rather its an illusion or not) that me being right or wrong.
I don’t want to sound like a victim. I’ll let you decide rather I am or if I’m not. Personally, I really don’t think of myself as a victim or not is really relevant. At the end of the day, I’m a felon who did time for what I did.” I guess the fact I did time made someone feel safer and happier. Maybe someone got a promotion because of my time in camp. I wasn’t going to all that to make me a bitter person. I would say to myself, “I have an opportunity here. Let’s take advantage of it because I’ll never get it again.”
I’ve read two books about the prison system, the New Jim Crow, and Lockdown America. I plan on doing blog posts on both these books. However, I tried not to allow the information in these books affect me. Every time these books would give me a negative feeling, I’d put the book down and tell myself that this is an advantage and a blessing being here. It’s not that I was trying to hide the fact the prison camp was a horrible place to be, it was because I really believed it was an opportunity to get ahead in my life. All I did was read, sleep, workout, and write. It reminded me of college without the teachers and alcohol. So why look at that place as a negative? Plus with me having such a short time, I couldn’t allow that to get to my head because I was too close to going home.
Though I write these posts and my future book with limited knowledge of what I will be writing about—I can honestly say, I’m going to avoid the “God put me here for a reason.” Yes, I strongly believe in a higher power, though I follow no religious faiths. My issue with that statement is how could I be at a place like that and the “devil,” if you will, has too many advantages? Or maybe the god within me put me there in a pre-destined state and knew exactly what was going to happen to me and how I was going to get out of it. I don’t know.
I think you’re starting to see why I didn’t question too much about why I went to a prison camp. The questions created more questions. Before long, I was drowning in questions and became angry and hateful. Once I get like that, I can’t make any situation positive or fruitful. Maybe I was a scapegoat, patsy, causality of war on the middle class, or it’s just my time in my life to have bad things happened to me. That doesn’t matter. Because if I was, let’s say a scapegoat, I still have to get out of the situation in one piece. If I was a patsy or some causality of war on the middle class, I’m still responsible for turning my life around. Maybe one day, if someone tells me exactly as it was I’ll care, until then I’ll stick to the I had committed a crime on my own free will and accord and I accept all blame and responsibility for the event leading to and following the crime.